I have this inability to act like an adult. I pay my bills, but, that is pretty much where it ends. No matter how hard I try I can't keep my apartment organized and neat, I can't keep the kitchen stocked, and I can't save money. People all around me are buying houses and having children and I am trolling the internet looking at Re-ment (Japanese miniatures). What is wrong with me? I have no desire to own a house, I love that I don't have to take care of a lawn, shovel snow, fix shit when it breaks. My motto is "It's not my problem". Leaky roof, need a new septic tank, basement flooding? Oh well, it's not my problem, I pay rent and that's where my responsibility ends and I like it that way. Some people see renting as a waste, paying all this money and ending up with nothing to show for it in the end. I see it as paying someone to do all the worrying for me, this way I don't have to worry about wells, furnaces, and termites. Maybe I need to get a landlord for the other aspects of my life, someone who will worry about and take care of my retirement, refilling prescriptions, and making sure my laundry has been done BEFORE I run out of underwear. I need to really think about this, this might be the most brilliant idea I've ever had. Of course, that means I need to write and ad and interview people and that sounds like a lot of work soooooooo it's probably no going to happen.
And then there is the subject of children. I am truly torn on this. I really like my life. I am selfish. Not in the I don't share and think about others kind of way, but, I like sleeping in on days off, I like going to the movies during the week, eating popcorn for dinner and don't want to sacrifice those things kind of way. Having kids means making changes and sacrifices and I don't want to do that right now. Will I always feel like this? I don't know. But, I also think about the issues my guy and I have and really don't want to be the source of blame when our kids become neurotic messes with high cholesterol, migraines, obesity, arthritis and asthma (amongst other possibilities). (And I'm not telling you who's family contributes which wonderful maladies.) My guy and I have discussed it and we're okay adopting later on if we decide we what to expand our family and I'm not saying that this child won't have problems, but, at least I won't be to blame. (Just don't tell his folks that we might never give them grandkids, natural or otherwise, because I'm pretty sure they might suffer a stroke.)
As far as my daily responsibilities I just find them too boring or too overwhelming, so, I try to ignore them. The thought of having to decide what I will want to eat for the entire week and then buying it all at once is just too much for me. I can't handle the pressure of it. I did direct deposit so I wouldn't have to worry about going to the bank every payday. Most of my bills are automatic pay so I don't need to remember what date what bill is due. I opened my date book yesterday to make a doctor's appointment and I haven't checked or updated it since March!
Basically I'm a twelve year old who gets to live the life of a thirty year old and the results aren't always pretty. But, my mom can rest easy knowing that I'm not running with scissors, sticking things into outlets or eating cake and candy for breakfast (at least not on a regular basis for the last thing). I survive because that's what I do and I have a blast doing it. My apartment is Neverland. From Peter Pan, not Micheal Jackson's "ranch".
And btw... my boyfriend loves me for who I am and assures me that the world is not judging me on my housekeeping abilities, financial discipline, and ability to make a gourmet meal after working a 10 hour day. No matter how much I fear this to be true and beat up on myself for it. Most days I feel inadequate and defective. Maybe stunted is the correct term. Either way, am I the only person who lives and feels this way? Because I'm starting to feel more and more left behind.